He, the ex couldnt put up with my bereavement even though he promised my father as the last thing my Dad would ever breathe to me and the ex as we got into a taxi to Thailand ariport to 'Look after my little girl wont you? ......' (ill leave his name out as its not important) 'Yes of course I will Wally' .. And just a few months later my Dad would be gone and us left here have to live with the never knowing of his passing whether he suffered or and why? I went into major depression and meltdown this was all too much for the man i hoped to spend my life with. At the beginning we were soo happy that i never love existed like that and just 2 years later after Dads passing we could be so far apart and something so beautiful could turn into screams, shouts, smashed up belongings and anger . And no matter what I did it was too late to save. You see both parties need to want to save a relationship not just one. I took him for granted maybe a little too much. And now i know my PD didnt help. Now he just has a bad opinion of me . It is a little over 2 years we spilt and i saw him by chance the other day at a local public house. We spoke about cats and it was pleasant. I had had a lot to drink before that eve so was unable to say things i wanted to say. 2 years later I still have no closure on this and it hurts so badly. You see to me it was 2 deaths not just one. And not long after I lost a child. Though he didnt believe me . I would never lie like some women do to keep somebody. I just couldnt. Not my style. I cant carry full term anyways so i guess it was going to happen. And when the small amount of money Dad left me i took us to Rome and we were there looking at the collosuem for our 3rd anniversary I said the ex (who wasnt at the time) 'So are we going anywhere? Like engagement/ marriage?' (He was the only man I ever REALLY wanted to marry. God, I loved him. I loved him!! But the more unhappy i became and saw he didnt really want me and we were falling apart all in the middle of my Dads passing some couples are strong and mend eachother. All i felt and knew is i drank more than ever and most arguements ended with me being called ' A cunt' or useless fucking prick!' I hate the 'C' word btw. The more i endured that kind of language the less respect i had and the love I had ebbed away . He smoked too much green stuff and i drank. ago and I asked a friend yesterday to send a message hoping he had nice xmas .. He replied, which was a shock. And again he was pleasant but said he doesnt think its time yet to unblock me .. Still waters run deep right? And both parrties rem different things about the breakdown of a relationship. I wished he couldve stayed and more than anything loved me enough to put up with my outbursts and depression.. Even just to have held my hand and said he would be there would have been enough.. Sometimes crumbs are enough .. At least its hope of some kind... I saw him just the other day, we spoke it was pleasant and I gave him a cd for Xmas. One of my all time faves. I hope he didnt throw it away. We couldnt get back together as if 4 and a half years i wasnt worth staying with at my worst than I cant and dont think he deserves me at my happiest- I think thats a famous quote aswell...He blocked me on FB over 2 years.... 2 YEARS!! ...Oh dear! Somew people dont forgive or even ty to understand the destruction my life was going through and obviously doesnt know in hindsight either!! The drinking started when i was 25, after an earlier relationship dissolved. Another violent relationship. And that man man was a pure evil monster who looked so handsome and was a differnt person around other people. I have never really liked or got used to being alone, I guess its a character fault but hey its part of my genetic makeup. I love to be around people. I love affection and laughter more than most. And alcohol is something to numb the loneliness that radiates from me . I suddenly realised i have such a kinship with the late movie star Marilyn Monroe. Its tough being alone. I ve never been married and children isnt possible. So most people my age have a marriage and children behind them. I dont have any of that. I would love to belong to somebody. But nobody has wanted to take me off the shelf because I have never been that lovable . A bit like security that most women have has passed me by. When this ex walked out (for the last time) He said that I will be alone 'cause I'm a fucking bitch'... These words have haunted me ever since. Cursed perhaps? maybe? I tried to move on and had a very short relationship with the ugliest man i have ever seen on earth. I just wanted to move on and hoped if i went for an ugly man it may work.. It didnt. Another mistake on my list. I got rid of him and never spoke to 'it' ever again. It bothers me that anybody from time to time i find attractive just thinks im worth a one niter or something less even. I am thin. Never let myself go in all of this. Im still a size 8 at 40 years old with my own boobs as much as people think they are fake. I also through heartbreak got covered fom head to toe in Psoriasis.. After a year nearly of all the treatments Im now on Humira and injection for the rest of my life. Thats okay though as i have Ulcerative Pan Colitis also and am on drugs forever for that illness too. My immune system doesnt work and the colitis and skin condition are linked .So now my skin is clearing and i hope my hair grows back soon . All this has really taken its toll on my mental state and as a woman. I cannot wait to wear a skirt in the summer or have the choice too. I use clip ins and externsions. Its hard when all you want is to be normal like other girls..Or other women.. I feel like a girl though not a woman. I wonder if love will ever come my way again.. I hope but time is running out . And this loneliness is getting harder to deal with. Maybe if i was overweight and didnt take care of myself i may then be lovable? Who knows? I have my cats and my films that i make.. I dont even need a mans money i have my own. I miss looking at a partner and seeing somebody so beautiful and a happiness that only a bond only you two share. So many people suffer with mental health probs and their men stay with them no matter what! I dont want to live with this loss and pain anymore . I would like to be in love and not just someones shagpiece. Its not good enough. Hump n dump isnt my thing at all.... I realise my mistakes and im very aware of my imperfections . This year also i have had to say goodbye to family members because some relationships just dont work anymore. I heard im a diva, moody and narcisstic . Selfish, the list goes on... I try to live my life mostly since Dads passing better and with more empathy to others and their feelings i really do. And can anybody else die this year? We have 2 more days left. All i know is ever
since my Dads went away life has been painful and lonely.. I struggle with suicidal thoughts most days but i dont because of my Mother. It would break her heart. And im TERRIFIED ever since that she will go soon aswell... Please next year be happier. Im asking the powers that be to look after everyone I love to keep them well and happy. And this love that eludes me I've given up finally. ive loved just 3 times in my life, just 3. I d like to feel a love that doesnt hurt and one that stays even though im a pain in the neck sometimes. And one that doesnt hit me or my dwelling. This lesson in life is tough. I hope its not to be alone. I dont want to be alone anymore and I can cook a brilliant curry! Maybe im just too old fashioned for this world.. I dont know.. I just dont know. People dont realise how damn lucky they are to have love. Where is love?,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
29/12/16
